The Drive To Wisdom

A father’s practical advice to his son holds valuable lessons for church leaders.

   As I was driving home last summer, I had the most exciting conversation I’ve ever had with my son in the most boring place in the universe. We were going through west Texas where the scenery never changes for eight hours, and my son asked me this great question: “Dad, I’m going off to college. You got any words of wisdom for me?”

   So, as we were driving through west Texas I talked to my son about the importance of seeking wisdom. “When you face questions in your life,” I told him, “the most important question you can ask is not, Is it right? Is it moral? or Is it legal? The best question that you can ask is, ‘What is the wise thing for me to do?’”

   One of the most defining passages of Scripture in my life is Ephesians 5:15-17: “Be careful how you live. Do not live as fools or as unwise, but live as those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity, for in these evil days don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.”

   All of us get to a point in our life where we need wisdom, but there is danger with the cavalier attitude that says, “When I need wisdom, I’ll ask for it.” In Proverbs 1:2-29, it’s very clear that if you ignore wisdom in all the little decisions, when you really need wisdom, you’re going to cry out, and you’re not going to get it. That’s not to say that God doesn’t forgive. But wisdom is saying that the danger of ignoring is that at some point you can’t even hear it any more.

The Big Question

   At a certain point in our drive, I moved into the area of wisdom as it pertains to morality and I began to talk to him about the whole area of sex. I started by telling my son about God’s original design.

   “It’s in Genesis, Chapter 2,” I said. “And it’s repeated by Jesus in the New Testament. It says, ‘In the beginning, God created man in His image. He created them male and female.’ Then God said that a man should leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife, and the two become one. The purpose of sex is that two people would become one. There is this magical, mystical thing that God created sexual unity for. It is the unity of two hearts, two souls, becoming one. But regarding sexual activity outside of marriage, God’s going to give you one word of advice: Run! 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, ‘Run from sexual sin.’

   “No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does,” I continued, “for sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. This is a powerful thing. God created sex and sex is given as this mystical, powerful super glue that binds two hearts together. To get involved sexually with anybody who merely consents is to sin against your own body, and it’s going to hurt your soul.”

   My son gave me the “What-are-you-talking-about-Dad?” look. So I gave him an illustration that I’ve been giving college students forever. I said, “When I grew up in Denver, my third grade teacher would say to the class, ‘Don’t put your tongue on the tether ball pole in the winter.’ For whatever reason, that pole then became like a magnet, and eventually some kid would stick his tongue on the pole. You know what happens next: You immediately get stuck. You get stuck, you panic, you rip away really quickly, and you leave a little part of yourself right there on the pole. When you have sex with someone outside of marriage, that’s what happens to your soul. You bond in a supernatural way. God designed it that way.”

   God is not a killjoy. He is a loving Father who says, “I want to protect you. This is to protect your soul, because if you just repeatedly connect with people and tear away, you will lose your ability to connect at all.” Statistics have found that with all the people getting involved with sex outside of marriage, they are quickly losing their ability to connect with each other. Intimacy is at an all-time low, and people live lonely lives because they don’t know how to connect.

Where’s the Line?

   Finally, my son asked the question I was hoping he would ask — which everybody asks eventually when you talk about sex. The question is: How far is too far … where’s the line?

   “I’m glad you asked,” I said, “because here’s the problem with that question. We are all ledge-standers and edge-dancers. When we ask, ‘Where is the line?’ the reason we do is so that we can go right to the line.” I pointed out the speed limit and asked, “How fast am I going?” He looked at the speedometer, and I was going a little faster than the limit. I was right at the line. I said, “You guys had a curfew. It was at 11:00. What time did you pull in? Eleven. You never said, ‘Hey, curfew’s at 11:00. I want to get in at 10:30 just to be safe.’ You went right up to the line.”

   Think about it: If you’re on a diet (and you’re honest about it), you’re going right up to the line in your calorie allowance. You’re cutting an M&M in quarters, saying, “I’ve got that much more!” You go right to the line. Where there isn’t a huge consequence, we go right to the line.

   The problem is, in the area of morality, when we crash through the line, there are graver consequences. People can’t concentrate at work because they have looked where they shouldn’t have looked. There is guilt and shame in people’s lives so they cannot even understand and appreciate God’s forgiveness. There’s a deep sadness in the soul, and we lose our ability to connect in intimate ways with the people we love, and we never experience what God intended us to experience. The problem with standing on the edge is if you fly off the edge of morality you’re in a free fall. Then what?

Grooves and Guardrails

   As I was driving in the right lane of the highway and sharing this with my son, I intentionally let the car drift a little until it hit the warning grooves on the side of the road. Thump, thump, thump, thump. The car started making this loud noise as I was talking about the dangers of ledge-dancing. My son stared at me as the car was vibrating vigorously.

   “Dad, what are you doing?!” he finally exclaimed. “You’re driving off the road. You’re not on the road! Get back in the lane. You’re not in the lane!”

   “Why? What’s wrong with that?”

   “You’re not supposed to drive here.”

   “Why?”

   “Because they’ve got those grooves. The cars make a noise. Can’t you hear? Get back in the lane!”

   “And that’s just the point,” I said. “You see those guardrails just beyond the shoulder? And do you see how far in front of the guardrails they’ve got these warning grooves? If you don’t have some warning grooves and guardrails, by the time you go flying off, you die.”

Real-life Examples

   A guy and a gal are working together. The guy’s married and the gal’s single, and they have to do a project together. They decide to go to lunch. We all eat lunch. There’s nothing wrong with lunch. Nothing immoral with lunch. It’s just lunch. Everybody eats lunch. So the next day, the project goes on, and they have to work late. So, they go to dinner, because they had to work late. Everybody eats dinner. Church people eat dinner. Nothing wrong with dinner. At dinner, they have a conversation. The guy, who’s married, begins to pour out his heart. And the gal’s thinking, “I’m a good listener. I’m just a listening ear. Everybody needs a friend. There’s nothing wrong with listening. The Bible even talks about listening. We’re supposed to bear one another’s burdens, right? After all, I might be able to help him because, by what he says, his wife is not a very sensitive and kind woman, and I can probably help him with his wife. I’m doing a good thing. I’m a friend. I’m doing a friend thing.”

   Anything wrong with that? Anything immoral? Anything illegal with any of this? So they go to dinner a few times, and he begins to talk about his family, and how his wife can’t hear him, and how it’s so great to have somebody who finally understands him. So she asks him to come over. Is it wrong to go over? We all go over to people’s homes. It’s not illegal to go over. So he goes over to the gal’s house, and then there’s a goodbye hug. People hug, right? They just hug … and at the end of it they fly off a cliff and there’s an affair.

   The reason the parable’s so powerful is because we’ve all seen it and because nobody makes one moral decision and launches off a cliff. There’s a whole series of unwise decisions that are made along the road to the edge.

   So, here’s the question. Where do you want your warning strip and guardrail to be? Right at the edge of the cliff or a little bit away? Do you want to hit the rail at the side of the road? Or do you want a distance? If we’re talking about moral failure that destroys family, that destroys your ability to connect, and has huge consequences, you want to protect yourself and you want to have warning strips and guardrails that are appropriate so you don’t go flying off, ending up where you shouldn’t be. They’ve got to be far away from the ledge so that you do not go off the cliff. You want them far enough so that it’s safe.

Too Extreme?

   As a father, husband, and a church pastor, I have some warning strips and guardrails of my own. For starters, I don’t travel in a car alone with another woman. I don’t meet women for coffee in the morning,or breakfast, lunch, or dinner by myself. Ever. I just don’t do it. I don’t engage in conversations where women talk to me and complain to me about their husbands. And these are not only my standards. They’re the standards for all the pastors on our staff.

   One day, I dropped my car off to be fixed. They told me they could give me a ride to work. The little gal who filled out the paperwork says, “OK, I’m your ride back.” I said, “Where are the guys? Aren’t there guys here? There’s always guys around here.” “Nope,” she giggled, “they’re all gone. I’m your ride. Come on.”

   I started walking behind her thinking, “This isn’t good. I’m not supposed to do this.” As soon as I got in the car, I felt the warning strip in my brain going, thump, thump, thump, thump. Was I doing anything illegal? Was I doing anything immoral? Was I doing anything wrong? No. If you saw it, you wouldn’t think it any big deal, but my conscience was going ballistic because I was hitting the warning strip in my mind.

   “I need to make a phone call,” I announced. I called my wife and said, “Hey, I just dropped the car off and the gal’s giving me a ride. I’m in the car with a gal. She’s giving me a ride to church.” Laurie knows the deal, and she asked, “Are you OK?” So my warning strip, if it happens, is I just call my wife.

   Do you know what the beauty is of where my guardrails are? They’re far away from the line. They’re way far away. As you read this, you may be thinking, “Kenton’s whacked! He’s crazy because that’s so extreme.” So, here’s the question: How extreme do you want to be? I get the benefit of talking to lots of people who end up on the other side of it, and here’s the one thing they all say: “I would do anything to get back.” If you’re willing to do anything to get back, why don’t you do anything to stay off and just say, “I’m not going to go there?”

   If you’re a church leader, you already know the minefields that are out there. When you come face to face with a situation of uncertainty, ask the right question: not Is it right? Is it moral? or Is it legal?

   Ask instead: What is the wise thing for me to do? And, according to James 1:5, “If you need wisdom — if you want to know what God wants you to do — ask Him, and He will gladly tell you.”

Kenton Beshore is the senior pastor of Mariners Church in Irvine, Calif.